Someone Who Knows Nothing About Sneakers Ranks the Air Max Archives

This shit looks like a window air conditioner on the side. I guess that’s to make sure your feet don’t stink too much when you’re doing whatever you’re doing in Air Max kicks? The red is a nice touch, but I feel like these have an off/on switch and an air filter.

The only thing that’s fire about these is the selection of colors. Is there any kind of special technology with these, or are they purposefully made to look like they’re about to fall apart if they get wet?

They look like something a PTA mom would rock with flared jeans and they copped because they wear a lot of navy blue.

I feel like my son would love these because they’re “shiny” and he’d think they could make him run very fast. I don’t know if I’m trying to rock sneakers that look like a mesh practice jersey.

Alright, I’ve seen these a lot. Either this was popular in the late ‘90s/early ‘00s, or the raver crowd LOVED this look. They aren’t horrendous, but I personally can’t deal with the lines on lines on lines at the top of the sneaker.

These feel like whoever at Nike Air Max HQ said, “Let’s do everything we can. Add some random lines on the back, then have a section that’s mesh-y and add even more lines. And add three little wave-y triangles above that.” If you removed a few of these extra flourishes, you could have something there.

These look like they’d be hot. Like someone wanted to have a pair of Air Max to rock properly with their pea coat. Or like someone’s mom decided to get creative with the needle and thread.

You can file this one under “doing too much” as well. I like the copper color, and that flashy sea green vibe, but kind of wish there was a better colorway (it’s colorway, right?) for these. I feel like these are a bit too understated, color-wise. Need a dope red/orange fire theme going on here.

I could see an artist (think painter or sculptor, not a rapper trying to go in over “Shook Ones, Part II”) with paint-stained khakis rocking these. They feel super light, but the fact that they look so comfortable, I could see these ending up being those beaters you wear when you don’t want to put on socks and run to the bodega for a mixer real quick.

Even though the Swoosh on the side looks like it’s detachable, I would rock these. They look dumb comfortable, and if I ever decided to actually start being active, I could throw these on and, I dunno, do some brisk walking. Need kicks to get my Garmin steps up.

These are the kind of kicks that I would cop and never wear because I don’t know if I could pull them off. There’s something futuristic about the design on the shoe; I can’t tell if that’s a navy blue or black, but that and the slivers of metallic gray speak to me. Really sleek looking, with the right pops of color (even if that weird shit on the toe bothers me).

Now these are the right kind of ugly flashy. Dope pops of color, with a blacktop-y situation toward the bottom. They just look comfortable for people who want to lowkey stunt on their running club buddies.

The way they weave in the colors on here is interesting; I don’t know if I’m rocking with that white stripe, but I’ve seen way worse. Another pair that looks comfy as hell for the club or for picking up your kids from school, stunting on the other PTA parents.

While I personally could never rock these, I get why they are so popular. These need to be worn properly, though; if you could weave in subtle glances to that neon green in your fit, you’re golden. I personally couldn't go too deeply into the raised pattern on the sides.

These are me. They’re the right mixture of simple-as-hell design with opportunities to stunt, color-wise. This colorway specifically is dope; perfect for any holidays that are about ‘Merica or, you know, representing the New Jersey Nets (RIP Drazen Petrovic).

I could get a LOT of wear out of these. Understated in design, but so crispy when pulled off properly. Part of it is that gray/red outfits, when worn properly, are so insane. You could flip these a few different ways. It looks like that red bleeds into that cream bottom, which would annoy the fuck out of me...can that be escaped?

This shit right here? THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE? Dynamic. This is how you do multiple colorways–and I must say, that black/red/gray with the cream on the toe? Flawless. Add in that khaki on the bottom and you could even lace some khaki pants with it, like a true father would.

These are the gold standard, it feels. I feel like these are out of my element; they have enough of a futuristic vibe to them—they’re kind of intimidating. Sure, “they’re just shoes, old man,” but I’m plain as hell (with some light flourishes). All of these lines in the red areas with that shiny black stripe on the side? There’s a lot of excellence going on here. Well done, Nike. Hit me on the Twitters.